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| Since I usually talk to myself at this hour, let me just type it out since there's no one else up right now.
A couple of realizations about adulthood, hardship, and hedonism.
I feel that the generation I grew up (and continue to grow up in) is concerned with primarily one thing: pleasure seeking, or hedonism.
Our parents worked very hard, came across the seas to America to try and get a better/new life away from poverty. In some ways they succeeded, and in others they have failed. Monetarily-wise, I believe our Filipino parents have surely paved the way for us, always wanting the "best for their kids" that was "better than what they had." I feel very blessed that my parents supported me with their love, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat. But I believe the failure that is presented to this new generation is a result of this lavish lifestyle.
That failure is that we, the children, have a more difficult time overcoming hardship because we were blessed with so much. That we take all our blessings for granted because this is the good life we're already used to. We have no idea about living in poverty, with all the family living under one tin roof, sleeping on concrete floors, and literally walking miles to school. We don't know anything about fighting for very little to eat, working in the fields for hours just for a few dollars. Or taking baths with tubs and semi-clean water. No, what we're used to is microwaveable dinners, free flowing shower heads, sparkling water, cars that drive us to a spot five minutes away, and complaining that we're "bored" because there's nothing immediate to entertain us. Because no matter how many video games, computers, or other techno gadgets we go through, or the copious amount of clothes and other nonsense goods we buy, it's never enough for our hedonistic generation.
I see so many posts on this facebook contraption of people complaining about their lives. Where is the perspective? Why don't people realize that it could be so much worse? And there lies another dilemma with our generation. The moment we feel lost, instead of genuine introspection and really trying to work through our problems, we just go out and waste our money on drinking and getting wasted or giving in to carnal desires....just running away from said problems. Sure it's okay short term when you're simply at a loss, but where does that really get you in the long run? Even all the mainstream songs now talk about "blaming it on the alcohol," and "cracking a bottle" to "sexual eruptions" and "tonight you'll ride on top." This society has become so pleasure-driven that deep, meaningful lessons in life are simply being lost.
People are always thinking about themselves, chivalry is dead, and everyone is blaming everyone else for this crummy economy. But the bottom line is that because of these pleasure seeking desires, people are spending plastic money for plastic things to please plastic people. The downward spiral ensues and rock bottom is debt. I think that's what this is all about. People are so focused on quick fixes and short term happiness that they really don't see what will happen long term. This society is so fast paced that we literally don't have time to stop and smell the flowers. And people wonder why depression is at an all time high. Let's keep things simple....but that's impossible.
Well, I lost my train of thought. But there you have it, a 5AM rant. Sigh, I miss having deep, meaningful conversation... Nowadays it's all about the nonsense to keep us busy...
Oh, btw, I'm not knocking other people's problems... I'm in no position to judge. It's just my opinions...
Is the train starting up again? But what happened to just having a nice hangout together, instead of just chatting online, being separated by computer screens.......Ok I'm not making sense now...
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| Wow. It's really interesting what you come across in nursing. I actually took care of a celebrity today. (I can't say who otherwise I could get fired if I revealed that information). Anyway, I didn't really know the actor that well, but when I looked him up online, I was blown away. Never in a million years would I have guessed that the person I was taking care of was a talented, award winning actor, singer, and comedian. It just goes to show you just how humbling being in a state of illness is. To me, he was just like any other patient... And when I heard him speak in the hospital (after tube extubation), I would have never known what a beautiful singing voice he has. In his current state, his voice is whisper-y and raspy (again, it's like most patients I've seen).
What's even crazier is that his life was in my hands. And I was part of a very personal, trying time in his life. And he has no choice but to trust me. They weren't kidding when they said that nursing is the most trusted profession. This makes me want to strive to be a better nurse, so that when trust is placed in me, I can deliver.
I'm still simply shocked and amazed... Health is wealth...without that, you really do come to a different place in life.
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| Ok, I think there's a problem when you're 22 and your dad takes your alcohol away from your fridge with no asking or explanation - behind your back.
There's something seriously wrong with that man. He thinks he can take all control... It's ridiculous and a bit infuriating. That alcohol wasn't even mine. People left it behind during that one party in July and I haven't touched it since. Even after all I've done (graduated full scholar, passed boards, gotten job, passed tests, etc), my parents still think I'm a drunkard and will become a failure? Like I said, I didn't even touch that stuff...and prior to that the last time I drank was...I don't even remember it was so long ago. But again, there's no point in arguing...since they always think they're right. I'm done for now. I need to focus on my own stuff so I can stop hearing their outlandish criticisms and conjectures. But even then, as this event has shown, good work amounts to nothing in their eyes as long as they see some sort of "flaw" in me.
I honestly think it's because my dad was a 'gangster alcoholic' when he was younger in the Philippines...so he's so angry because he 'sees' his past self in me. Talk about hypocrisy.
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| I'm a bit rusty, but here goes...(purely expression of "peelings")
To err is human, to forgive is divine.
I went on a retreat this weekend in the Catskills, in hopes to get closer to my family. No family is perfect, but I figure that this would be an important thing for me to do.
There was a lecture about "Light in the Family." I listened because I felt that my family is broken emotionally, in more ways than one. Key points that I could remember are:
-No family is perfect
-Our parents have made sacrifices and have done so much to bring us up
-Parents need to listen to their kids
-Kids need to honor and appreciate their parents
-Forgiveness and letting go of past hurt is key to growing. All parents hurt their kids, some more than others. Children have to face that hurt and try to talk to their parents about their hurt. Parents should listen to that hurt and take the time out to reconcile.
-Your first relationship is with your parents. This relationship determines all the rest of the relationships in your life.
- Parents must set an example for their children (no "do as I say, not as I do" crap)
It was a moving service for me. It gave me hope that, maybe, there can be some kind of light in our family. That maybe we could really appreciate each other. As we gathered with our families, and after I said thank you to my parents, this is what I heard from my father: "So, are you going to listen to me? Are you going to stop drinking and stop the parties? Stop saying 'yeah yeah, I know, ok.'"
All the hopes of love and growth I had just went out the window. After everything the pastor said, all my father did was criticize me, mind you for something that happened over a month ago (it was my grad party he was talking about). I completely shut down after attempting to make retorts: "This is the one day I get to celebrate, all of nursing school I wasn't partying much at all, I passed my board and secured a job and you're still upset about that one time? When you were younger you drank too. And you still drink with your friends!"
(At least my mom admitted that she wasn't that great of a kid when she was younger.)
And then he says, "So, no I don't." (bullshiet!) And then I shut down. And a million thoughts were running through my head. My mom said she wasn't crying because she though we were okay kids. Which is what I wanted my dad to see. But, just as many other parents do, they hear only what they want to hear. The only thing he learned from the lecture was that kids must honor their parents. He didn't hear anything about listening to children, to reconcile, no. I'm not really surprised.
Honestly, I don't think I'm that bad a kid. I'm not into drugs, I didn't get pregnant, I passed school and I have a job in line. I don't talk or curse back because I know elders deserve respect. But even after all this, I feel like this isn't acknowledged. I'll admit that I'm very hurt by both my parents. When I was younger I was beat into submission by my father, to the point that I'd just stop crying and take it with numbness and no feeling. I didn't respect my parents, I feared them. And I realize now that one of my motivations in life was to avoid that pain. I worked really hard to please them, to think that maybe they did something right. To avoid punishment and screaming. What kind of father deliberately scares and screams at his child at the age of 6 until she breaks down and cries? That's the memory of my father. Never a kind word. Never an acknowledgment. Just a rain of harsh discipline that made me vow to never be like him. Honestly, to be physically beaten down at such a young age is really mentally and emotionally breaking. I never could voice my thoughts either, even when they were right. I felt even sorrier for my brother. Getting beaten just for not waking up to go to school at the age of 14 (now). And now he's practically a mute. He says nothing because I know deep down he fears his father's hand. Because all the hope and dreams in his heart has been kicked the crap out of him. He is not acknowledged because he is always compared to me and lives in my shadow. I hate it when my parents do that. I'm not perfect, don't make comparison. ....
I don't have a relationship with my father. And when I've tried to get to know him, it's futile. Conversation is so forced...and consists of me asking questions in hopes that he'll open up. He'll always look down on me, no matter how old or successful I get. He'll only look at me when I fail. And this makes me think. If the first relationship with my parents determines how all my other relationships go, then it makes sense why my relations with others are so screwed up. My parents never talked and communicated at a deeper level. All they would tell me is either a command or a complaint "Wash the dishes, why didn't you do your writing project....why did you get a B in this course?" while they ignored all the other A's on the card. No exaggeration. In a week I monitored their communication habits. Maybe 3 kind words, at best. No hugs, and the fakest and most forced compliments anyone has ever heard. I'm the one who always initiated hugs and said "I love you"; I practically introduced it to the family...after I met a certain someone.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship with my parents. If they'll ever acknowledge me as an adult. My mom screaming at me 3-4 times to be fast while I take a shower - in a 10 minute span when others are waiting doesn't help. Or just her screaming period isn't helpful at all. She's a control freak that will never let go. Even though I'm 22 I'm still treated like I'm in high school, with curfew and limits. And it's really hard when the person I love too isn't acknowledged by them. But I think I grew up worrying too much for their approval that now I don't know what I want for myself sometimes. Maybe it's supposed to be hard...it all depends on the relationship I guess. Even still, the significant person in my life still loves me even though I've hurt him so much.
I think that's how I should treat my parents too. But it's so hard to forgive...change isn't going to happen overnight. I'm so incredibly grateful for all they've done for me. I wouldn't be where I am without them, and I do love them very much. And I KNOW it could be so much worse than what I have. But it hurts when I think about the past and nothingness between everyone in our family now. I need to work and grow to be stronger so that one day I can open my heart. And I need to pray so that one day my parents may acknowledge me and my brother, and so that my brother can find his voice again.
Faith, hope, and love. With these, all things are possible.
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| bad first.
It annoys me how people can lie straight to your face and not even bother to apologize or say sorry. Honestly if you had any respect for other people, then don't say to me that you're coming to an event and then last minute not show or even contact me to tell me about it. It's shady, disrespectful, and just wrong. Especially when I came out for all of your events. This further leads me to believe that most people are only out there for themselves. Did study group mean nothing to you? My helping you learn concepts and taking my extra time out just to assist you? The one and only time I wanted to see you, and you don't even so much as even send a text. It's irritating and infuriating. And this wasn't for me, this was for a reunion of people I thought were part of nursing because they cared. But I think I always knew deep down that you didn't care. That I was only needed for academia and nothing more. It sickens me. But that's life, I guess. This isn't going to stop me from putting myself out there and being a good friend to other people. And what goes around, comes around. Which leads me to...
good next.
The party admittedly started slow, but then as people arrived, it was better. And I am thankful to these people because they didn't lie to me, and had the decency either to let me know they couldn't come, or they showed up as they said they would. And those are the people that are more important to me. "Forget about the liars and revel and be joyful in those that came." That's what I told myself. We had an awesome time, and people said they enjoyed it. I'm glad that people had fun and that we all were able to come together and celebrate an important time in my life - in OUR lives. ETOH definitely helped as well =) To me, as long as people had fun, that's all that mattered. It made me realized just how loved I am, and that I'm even more grateful for everyone's well wishes. But most importantly to God for helping me get this far. Friends come and go, but God never leaves you. I hope that I can become a woman worthy of the praise I received that night. I'm glad that I've made my mom proud, and that's more than I could ever ask for. I hope she's really (and I think she is) happy with where I've come, and that she's satisfied deep within, being my mother. With God by my side, I know I can do anything.
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